Here is the long overdue first blog post of my Race! Another will hopefully be posted soon.
As most of you know, I had to stay back at the AIM campus for an extra week because of Covid quarantine. I received the dreaded red letters on my test, so I had to wait while the rest of my squad marched forth to the field. Bummer, right? That was definitely my first thought as well, though there was a tiny amount of relief. But first, I need to back up a little.
I was a nervous wreck before launch started, but when I got there, most of it had subsided. I was reminded why I was there, felt good amongst my team and squad, and had some incredible moments with God. A word kept trying to mess everything up in my head: “unprepared”. It danced around, desperate for my attention. Its only goal was to confuse my mind and ruin my trip before it started.
“You’ve never evangelized before.”
“You have no idea what you’re doing here.”
“You’re in the wrong place. You should leave.”
“Man, you’re pathetic. No-one is going to listen to you.”
It’s true. I felt completely, wholly unprepared. What was I doing at a launch for an 11-month mission opportunity overseas?
The word gained volume, and by the night before I was scheduled to leave, depending on a test, it was at a screech. My insides were on fire.
I woke up at 6 to exercise and one of my team-mates said, “Our tests are back. You should check.”
When I checked, my heart simultaneously sighed in relief and groaned in disappointment. I was so confused.
Thus began a very long, but really good, week.
8 of us had the campus pretty much to ourselves, so that meant a lot of quiet time. I rested in the word and had some deep conversations with God. At the same time, I had bonding moments with great people. There was also fun, especially when it snowed and the electricity went out, because we made a snow-woman, Selena. She was pretty cute.
I felt refreshed and also came to know myself and my squad members a little bit better.
And then came another word: “restless”. I was itching to leave, to start, to sink or swim. God had called me to the World Race for a reason and it was time to figure that out. He had provided me an opportunity to breathe easy and slow down, which I needed, but I felt that that was now over.
The second word did not replace the first word, however. They merely started fighting and wrestling. Each one wanted control of me. The first kept me drowning in fear, while the second made sure I wasn’t content in the here and now.
While that battle went down, I sat in the middle, unsure how to feel. That is when God showed Himself in a big way.
After a week of waiting, we took the test two more times. The first was positive again, but the second was negative. 7 of the 8 squad members also received negatives. We were going to Romania! (As of writing this, the 8th finally made it, praise God!)
That day, I was having a rough time: being very hard on and yelling at myself. My heart was low. Something unexpected happened shortly before we left for the airport. I wrote it down in my journal directly after, so I will let you read about the experience in the words of a freshly contrite soul.
God, You actually love me! Me?!
I took a shower around noon and I started crying and despairing. Why do You want me here, God? I don’t fit in. I have nothing to offer. I am a no-one. Why me? I will fail at evangelism. I will fail at loving people. I will fail You.
Around 2, I was cleaning and taking trash out. I walked past a girl I hadn’t seen before or met before. She was headed outside and I was coming back in. A minute later, she walks up to me and asks my name. She then tells me that as I passed her, she felt the overwhelming sense of God’s love in and around me. She told me that God loves me so much and has a reason for me being here. He has big things planned for and with me on the World Race. He will grow and use me in unexpected ways. Wow. This week I have fought with myself over God not knowing, loving, or speaking to me, and in one fell swoop, on the last day of my quarantine and the first (official) day of my Race, He used someone to assure me of all three. God, thank You for Your perfect will, grace, and love. I am blown away, humbled, and driven to my knees. Thank You God!
In between restless and unprepared, I came to the end of myself. At the end of myself, I found God’s love. I don’t know what the future holds and it doesn’t matter how the past made me feel. All that I know and care about is that God loves me, and I can’t wait to see how He has decided to use me! I just have to remember to rely on Him (which, as you will find out in my next blog, is easier said than done!).
If you, like me, are stuck in a grudge match between the future and the past, feeling restlessness or unprepared, or any other conflicting ideas, it’s time to give it all to God. Allow Him to use that broken heart or worried mind. He will use these to lead you into His massive, loving arms.
Philippians 4:6,7- “Don’t worry about anything; Instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all that He has done. Then you will experience His peace, which exceeds anything we can understand, and His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)
