Wow. Romania is incredible. The World Race is incredible. There are times, however, when other words could replace “incredible”. Some that come to mind are: ” humbling”, “intense”, ” painful”, “difficult”, etc. I have not been here very long and yet I feel as if I have aged at least a year already. Which is not the worst thing in the world, because spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I am practically still a 16 year old. I could use some growing up in those areas.
It is hard to pinpoint my first official day of ministry. Saturday and Sunday were Sabbaths, days of rest, for me. Monday was a team adventure day/Ask the Lord day. (I will hopefully do an in-depth blog about Ask the Lord day eventually.) Tuesday should have been a ministry day, but instead, I cleaned the other mission house in a different village for another World Race squad that is coming in. So really, though I should have done ministry on Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday became the first day I did ministry. Or maybe I should say “should have done”.
This story actually starts on Monday. From my last blog, you probably gathered that I was terrified to start ministry and evangelizing. I was not ready. The day started with prayer and a loose schedule, as well as a quick explanation. We would have an adventure by following where God was leading us. Some of my teammates received words and directions from God. I got nothing.
After lunch and some really good team time, we headed out to the place one of my teammates was feeling led to: a bus stop. When we found it, she saw several different woman to speak to. I was paralyzed. As she walked over to talk, I hid inside the bus stop walls. She shared love. I leaned on glass.
That night, we prayed about whether to go to a village or stay and do ministry in Craiova. I chose the village. I do believe God put it in my heart, but at the same time, a voice told me I was being a coward, choosing something just because I could avoid ministry one more day. When I found out that we were just going to clean, the voice said, ” Told ya”.
The next day, when we returned, the people who stayed had incredible stories about their gospel encounters. One person had even been used by God to stop a potential death. But hey, I pulled melted candy off of a high shelf.
A common theme for the first few days for me was “wrong choice”. Over and over, I felt like I made the wrong choice. This theme continued the next day.
Wednesday came, and with it, the dreaded first day of evangelism. It was make or break, sink or swim. Time to find out what I was made of. After some great worship, prayer, and lessons, we hit the streets at 3. Armed with flyers for a worship night, I walked into the busy streets of central Craiova. As we walked, I looked at all the Romanians surrounding us. All I had to do was walk up to them, say ” buna” (hi), and hand them that flyer. Simple. And yet, I never did it. I couldn’t even reach my hand out and give them a tiny slip of paper. We hit a Starbucks and made a plan. From there, we separated.
I must break the story here and do a quick flash-forward. Remember the theme I mentioned earlier? I kept making wrong choices. After we regrouped, this intensified. Each person I had walked with had a great encounter with someone that utilized their gifts and personalities. To say I was beating myself up was an understatement. Everyone on my squad was doing great things for God and His Kingdom. And then there was me.
After I left Starbucks, I did what I do best. I walked. While I walked, I prayed fervently. I prayed for the city, I prayed for my squadmates, I prayed for hard hearts to be broke. But mostly, I prayed for myself. I prayed that I could get over my cowardice and my selfishness. I prayed to develop love so I would actually go up and tell someone about Jesus, who died for me and saved me from a life of sin, so that He could do the same for them.
As I walked, my prayers got more intense. I started weeping and moving my arms wildly. Everyone probably thought I was insane. I asked God why I was here if I couldn’t even hand out a piece of paper with English words on it. I was so disgusted with myself. I was letting God, my squad, and all those unbelievers down. It hurt so bad.
I held on to this for a few days. I didn’t have much more luck with evangelism, but I kept trying. The entire time, though, I just kept calling myself a failure, unfit to be an evangelist, maybe even a Christian.
I never confessed to my team or squad, hiding behind a smile and a succinct answer to their questions: “It was good. How was your ministry day?”. The feelings only festered and grew.
I finally admitted what I was going through and a weight was lifted off of my back. They encouraged me so much and reminded me Whose I am.
God is so insanely good. Honestly, if we saw His full goodness or grace, we would quite literally go insane. He loves us and wants to help us grow into who He made us to be.
If I had as epically bad of a first day at a normal job for a human boss, I would have been rightfully fired. Let’s say I worked at a factory. I tried to pick up pieces on a conveyer belt, but clumsily dropped and broke every piece. Then, I fell into the control box, causing the belts to speed up and malfunction. Now gears and products are being flung across the room, hitting people and breaking glass, all while the machinery is catching fire.
I would have been screamed at, let go without pay, sent back home, and blacklisted, only being able to work at fast-food restaurants for the rest of my life.
And yet, God didn’t do that. He didn’t tell me to give up and go home. Instead, he told me to love Him and sit with Him. I simply need to allow His grace to pour over and through me. He spoke into my life with gentle whispers. I do believe He firmly, like a good Father, told me where I went wrong, but He did so to encourage me, not criticize or punish me.
I will keep messing up. I mean, I’m not only a human, I’m Malachi. It will happen. But when it does I will not beat myself up or scream at myself in hateful tones with harsh words. I will instead accept God’s grace and strive to do better next time.
If you feel the same as I do, I have three pieces of advice/encouragement.
One- Listen to the song ” How To Be Yours” by Chris Renzema.
Two- Read 2 Corinthians 12:9 and Ephesians 2:8-9. In fact, just do a study on grace in the Bible. It is everywhere! God knows we are humans and wants us to rely on His Spirit, not our own abilities.
Three- Pray!! Talk to God and actually listen for His response. He is speaking and wants you to experience Him!
Thank you for reading this blog and for supporting my squad and I with your love and prayers!
