So much happened at Training Camp. I have gained insight, preparedness, and so many stories! In fact, sometimes its hard to remember everything that happened. My mind was crammed to overflowing by day three! This week changed everything, but the funny thing is, this was only one week of training! I can’t imagine how much more incredible next year will actually be! Because I want to process and share as much as I can, I will be writing and posting 3 blogs from training camp: one talking about the Holy Spirit, one covering brief highlights, and the last containing some poetry that I wrote during it. Don’t worry though, I will keep each one relatively short. If, however, you are interested and want to hear more, please feel free to reach out and I would be happy to fill you in further! And as always, what follows is a vulnerable, honest glimpse into my mind.
Part One: The Presence of the Holy Spirit
Prior to this week, I hadn’t thought too much about the Holy Spirit. I, like so many other Christians, knew that He was part of the Trinity and that He lives inside of us, but I didn’t actually KNOW the God Who Lives Within. I had never felt His presence and I couldn’t even really tell if He actually lived inside me. (This fact caused me a lot of fear, doubt, and anxiety during my college years.) The previous five or so months, I had been praying for God to fill me up with the Holy Spirit, but I had no idea what that meant, not in practical ways, that is.
Then came training camp. It started off…rough. Satan was causing my loneliness and self-hatred to flare up. I felt like an outsider and I started questioning why I was there. The first two days were a terrifying rollercoaster of emotions, taking me high, leaving me low. Did anyone like me? Did anyone want me here? Does God even like me or want me here? During worship time, I couldn’t focus. It was nothing like the worship I was used to. The songs were long and somewhat repetitive, there was an hour for worship (I am used to maybe 20 minutes) I kept feeling self-conscious and less holy than everyone around me, and I didn’t know any of the words or music. I kept focusing on “me, me, me”.
Things took a major turn after the second night. Our sleep scenario was “night guard”, where a group of three people would wake up for an hour and pray over the camp, our squad, and our leaders. It was an incredible time. Due to a mistake on my part, I took two shifts. We prayed together and silently. And then, the next morning, even though none of us got much sleep, we all felt relaxed and refreshed!
At the time, I had no idea what the other groups had prayed about. It turns out, though, that several different groups prayed for God to break our walls, enter our hearts, and rebuild us! It was exactly the prayer I needed, and thankfully, God answered it! IN A HUGE WAY!
I walked into worship on the third day. Nothing had changed. The music was basically the same and it was still an hour long. Except, this time was different. I noticed a weight in the room. The air felt heavier, not in a suffocating way, though. It was as if the gravity had shifted. As the songs started, I began getting more and more into them. I sang and even started dancing, which I NEVER do, especially not in church.
Then came the thoughts. As I sang the words, they entered into my mind. Things like “love” and “peace” ran through my brain. At the same time, parts of my identity started racing through as well: “loser”, “outsider”, “hated”. The words of the songs saw the negative words and rushed at them, colliding full force. As they exploded into a rain of sparks and tears, memories flooded my mind: times I failed, times I listened to God, when I became a Christian, and when I came back to Christ.
During all of this, I was weeping and sobbing. I couldn’t even sing, I was crying so hard. My body shook. I felt pain and flame coursing through my body. And yet, it wasn’t a horrible pain. It was good and beautiful. Its hard to describe exactly how it felt, but it’s safe to say, I have never felt like that before. In the few moments that my eyes were dry and I was able to look around, I saw that I was not alone. Everyone felt the Holy Spirit. People were kneeling, sobbing, dancing, moving across the room to pray over each other. It was incredible.
This was the Holy Spirit. He showed me who I truly am: a child of God, friend of Christ, temple of the Spirit. He began the process of cleaning me and transforming me. It hurt and made me uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. The process is by no means done, but it has begun, and I am never going back.
So many more things happened through the Spirit this week and this was by no means the only time I met Him face to face, but it was the first and the biggest.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope it speaks to you. I leave you with a challenge: Invite the Spirit into Your life. I mean, really invite Him in. It will hurt and may be unpleasant, but you will never be the same!
