I am currently sitting in a hotel in India, the night before I hop on a plane to America. To be honest, I was hoping to sit down and hammer out recap blogs for India and Kyrgyzstan before I touch down on American soil. I do still hope to get those out as soon as I can. However, I couldn’t do it. I sat there thinking through the last two months in order to figure out what I should share, if there were any good stories/lessons, etc., but a phrase kept running through my head: “I’m not ready, yet!” Every time I had a memory from one of those countries, I would be hit by a wave of nostalgia, worry, and more than a little sadness. I could barely get one sentence further before being distracted by that pesky phrase.
“I’m not ready, yet!”
The funny thing about that phrase is that it is very familiar. From the months of October 2021 until the end of January 2022, I am fairly certain that I thought and said it hundreds of time. I didn’t want the race to start. I wasn’t prepared enough. I wasn’t mature enough. I wasn’t good enough. Anxiety and self-doubt peppered my every waking thought, forcing me to march towards that uneasy, inevitable launch date with nausea.
A very popular quote from Charles Dickens has stuck with me for a long time, and it actually applies well to what the World Race has been for me. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” You see, in the span of less than a year, I have made nearly five years worth of memories, mistakes, and lessons. We often half-joke with each other that Romania happened simultaneously around three years ago and yesterday. The highest highs of my life so far have been reached during 2022, but at the same time, I have delved so much further below my rock bottom than I thought possible.
More times than I could count I have said, “I wish this Race would hurry up and end,” Now that the end is here, though, it is the last thing I want, for two main reasons: anxiety and sadness.
Anxiety
One thing I learned about myself this year is that I hate change. I adapt pretty well to it once it happens, but when I know change is coming, I dread it. As soon as we entered the door of an airport, I would be nearly crippled by panic, anxiety, and nausea. I have been in a lot of airports and it still happens every time.
Change, she is a-coming, and the worst part is that my future is completely shrouded in uncertainty. One of my goals for the Race was that I would find out God’s call for my life. The funny thing about “Personal Race Goals” is that they rarely happen, because this trip is all about God’s will, not our own! Though He affirmed and confirmed a few things for me personally, I never got that “AHA” moment, where angels sing, the fog clears, and the exact thing you wanted appears on a silver platter. There is no ministry waiting for me in the States, no miraculous call, no crazy application sent in a leap of faith, nothing.
From an outside perspective, I am returning no different than when I left. I will be without a job, living with my parents, unsure of next steps, all of my newfound friends hundreds or thousands of miles away. Inside, though, I know it is a different story. God has changed me in insane ways and has brought me farther along on the process of transformation. The reality is that I am never going back to who I was.
But even with that in mind, it’s hard to convince myself not to fear the future. Pictures of the past keep flying through my head, along with a very annoying commentary. “Sure, you talked about Jesus to Muslims in Jordan, but remember how scared you were before the Race. Sure, you have friends now, but remember how lonely and depressed you were before the Race. Sure, you learned how to be bold and confident in the Spirit, but remember how distant and silent God was before and during the Race.”
Anxiety is telling me to fear the future. God is calling me to trust Him and have faith. The failures of my past are telling me to give up. God is calling for me to give Him everything. Uncertainty is telling me to run away. God is calling for me to run to Him.
Sadness
I don’t want to leave the Race because I will be leaving experiences and my new family behind.
When telling my life story, I always mention that I was dead before I came back to Christ. I never let myself experience life or adventure or heartbreak. I condemned myself to the deadening “security” of the comfort zone. I sat at home, stagnating in every area of life: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This year, though, I would say I have lived! I tried food that sounds really gross (sheep head’s soup for one), I rode ATV’s, I camped in the mountains of Armenia, I rode all kinds of transportation, I gave some of my food budget towards homeless people, I told my testimony to numerous people, preached in front of churches, etc. The list goes on and on! It has been harrowing, terrifying, exciting, hilarious, and straight-up weird! God has let me see just a fraction of His crazy, beautiful, massive world, and I don’t want to stop experiencing life! There is so much more to see and do, so a lot of the sadness comes from a false feeling that once I get back to where I was, I will have no more experiences.
The rest of the sadness comes from my squad, or rather my closest friends and family. I have lived with these insane, amazing people for a whole year. I have gotten rather used to roommates, full houses, fights, late-night talks, random walking check-ins, feedback sessions, and laughs.
Never before have I experienced either this quality or quantity of community and intimacy.
I am going to miss each of my brothers and sisters, and honestly, I am not ready to leave them!!
Anxiety and sadness are overwhelming me even as I type this out.
However, I know peace and joy are right around the corner. God didn’t take me all the way around the world for a year just so I could give in to fear, doubt, and anguish at the end! He brought me here to grow, to learn, to change, to be!
So, no, I don’t know what’s next! I have absolutely no idea what the next step will be! I am clueless as to what my future holds! And admittedly I am still not ready, yet!
But, you know what? That’s okay. I know the God who is the sovereign King and who uses us for the good of His Kingdom. He has something planned and as long as I trust Him, everything is going to work out exactly as He wants it to!
I am now at the end of this trip! My words will never be enough, but I just want every person to know how much I appreciate you in all you did for me.
To my squad-mates, thank you for loving me and caring for me, even when it was a challenge to be my friend (iykyk). Thank you for being my family and my best friends! I love you all!
To my family, thank you for your constant encouragement and wisdom! Thanks for putting up with my inconsistent communication! Thank you to my mom and dad for coming all the way to Kyrgyzstan just to spend a week with me and see what the Race is like!
To my church, thank you for your constant support. Thank you for your “Malachi Moments” and for being such a financial blessing!
To all my supporters, thank you for all of your prayers and financial support! There were many times that I couldn’t have made it through without such an incredible system of intercessors and prayer warriors!
I would love to ask for your continued prayers as I seek God’s will for my life and continue to search what He has for me!
Thank you and I love you! Remember to keep pressing into God! There is a deep, intimate relationship with Him waiting for every believer. Make sure to grab it!
