The things I say in this blog are not easy for me. I have kept a lot of it secret and only a few people have known the truth, but even they haven’t known the whole truth. Vulnerability stinks, but it is so much better in the end. I compare it to when I broke my front tooth. It shattered clear up to the root, exposing the nerve. They had to cut it out of me. The surgery was uncomfortable, but the hour or so after was excruciatingly painful. As the numbing of my mouth and lips wore off, all of that pain came rushing back. It had not disappeared. It had just been building up. Honesty works the same way. When you bring something difficult to light, the numbness wears off and you suddenly feel all of the pain that has been building up for years. However, when all is said and done, you will look back and see that the pain was so worth it. I mean, I can’t imagine walking around with a cracked tooth my entire life (It might be slightly better than walking around with no tooth, but imagine how much ice cream would burn that nerve!). So to this end, I am going to be bringing something to light and say goodbye to the numbness, and hello to a beautiful, healing pain.
The past two days, I fasted. Some of us from my squad have started a kind of early morning accountability group and someone mentioned fasting. I instantly latched on to the idea and decided I would plan it for Monday and Tuesday, because Tuesday was day-off and I would be able to spend all day locked in my room with God and His Word. It would be just what I needed. I wanted to try to recapture the feelings of God’s presence and the refreshing I felt each morning at training camp.
However, there was another reason. The first thought that popped into my head when someone mentioned fasting was, “Oh, good! If I do two days, I can lose some of this weight.” I quickly attacked it, but thoughts like that do not just go away so easily. I decided then that I could use those two days as a way to gain freedom and break the bondage to food, body image, and weight that I am under. I would dedicate it to God and focus on Him, not on food.
You see, my entire life I have toed the line between eating disorders. As early as I can remember, I have struggled with my body image and thinking I am too fat. I was in elementary school, when a girl said that I was way too fat and should only wear loose clothing. I took that to heart and began wearing clothes two sizes too big. I only felt comfortable in giant baggy clothes.
In high school, I got mono and stopped eating, almost completely, for two weeks. I lost 15 pounds and went from pretty skinny to looking like a drug addict. You could count all of my ribs while I was wearing a t-shirt. This destroyed my metabolism, causing me to gain weight quite easily, so from my Sophomore year up, I gradually gained more and more weight. I got pretty depressed and developed my first eating disorder: binging. I never developed purging (bulimia), but I began an addiction to eating as much food as I could. I went from 115 to 185 by the time I graduated high school.
I suffered with depression since middle school, so this weight gain just worsened it. I ate more and more, hating myself deeper with each bite. I gained a lot of weight throughout college. I went from 185 to 220 in about 3 months (the college I went to was buffet-style, so each meal I ate 10 slices of pizza with a bowl of ranch). I had given into my eating disorder.
By the time I was 25, I was an extremely unhealthy 260 pounds. Every time I moved I breathed heavily and my heart always felt like it would stop. I looked like I was wearing a fat suit, because I had gained all that fat in a horrible way.
I decided once and for all to regain control of my life. I started dieting and exercise but was very careful to keep it healthy. In a little over a year, I had lost 100 pounds. That is when my next eating disorder showed up: near-anorexia. I still wasn’t happy when I looked at the mirror, so I convinced myself that I wouldn’t be happy unless I was 130 pounds again. I started to starve myself and deprive myself of water. Each day, I ate around 500 calories and only drank 1 and a half bottles of water. I would then exercise intensely for 2 to 3 hours a day. I felt like death, like I would pass out any second, but hey, at least I had no fat on my body. I got down to 148 pounds but every time I exercised, I felt so weak and disoriented.
The pendulum swung the other way and I am right now back in a period of binging. I have kept this secret from those closest to me and claimed that I had no idea why I was gaining more weight again. But the ugly truth is, each night I buy a bunch of food from the dollar store I work at and eat it that night. I am talking about an entire box of crackers, a bag of cookies, gummy candy (usually 2 bags), chocolate (usually a small bag of fun-sized candy bars and a Boston Cream Honey Bun), and a ham sandwich in a tortilla. It is no wonder that I have gained a lot of weight again. Food has regained control of my life. Each day I am the rope in a game of tug-of-war between my self-esteem and body image and my addiction to binging food.
This is why I so desperately needed to fast. Food was my true master, not God. And unlike God, it is a cruel, unforgiving unjust master, caring nothing for me or my well-being. I craved the freedom that only comes from our Great Healer.
The first day was hard, because I was at work, surrounded by mountains of temptation, but God carried me through. The second day was easier. I thought about food, but God helped me shift my thoughts to Him. I know I will struggle, but with the Bible as my path, His Spirit as my guide, and this confession as my walking stick, I have hopefully put a big dent in the enemy’s plan.
At training camp, it was so easy to eat the bare minimum and not be obsessed with food. I didn’t need to shove my face or secretly buy food, and I didn’t even think about my weight. I hoped that it would carry over when I got home, but that night, I failed.
I want to apologize to everyone, especially my family and my squad. I have lied right to your faces and made you think that I am something I am not. I also hid when I felt like I was dying from anorexia from you, even though you asked me point-blank if that was what I was going through.
I apologize for the very long blog, but before I end, I want to leave you with a few things.
If this resonates you, either because of eating disorders or any sin you have kept secret, please reach out to someone, anyone. It will only fester and grow more powerful in the dark. Pull it out into the open and finally experience the blinding, beautiful, healing, painful Light.
The Word of God is a light to our feet. Root yourself into it and God will use it to keep you strong and in control of your temptations.
Joel 2:12-13- “‘Even now,’ declares the LORD, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.’ Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.”
Luke 12:22-23- “And He said to His disciples, ‘For this reason I tell you, do not worry about your life, as to what you are to eat; nor for your body, as to what you are to wear. For life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing.'”
